There is much on my mind today.
I'm extremely happy as of late and I owe that to Ivana. Days and Nights spent with her are wonderful and intense and full of vigor and life and I discover something new about her every day. She is a book that I've become so enthralled in, it is impossible for me to put her down. Nor do I wish to. I've been waking up for weeks now, longing to see her each time, even if she lies next to me. Her eyes and her smile give me a warmth like no other. My flawed attempt at conveying to her how I feel was pointless. I can't put it into words, at least not ones that do the rush of feelings justice. I've tried wholeheartedly and failed with each attempt. I also fail when telling her that this is like nothing I've experienced before. Certainly, those very words have I uttered. Yet, I don't think they get my true message across. I've no idea how to say it. I've no idea how to write, even now in the confines of my solitude.
Yesterday the topic of annoyance was brought up, but not in the way that I have been previously exposed to. Ivana expressed that she didn't want to get to that point and feel annoyed at all. Preemptive, indeed. This too, is not something I'm accustomed to. Usually the word (or some from therein) 'annoying' comes at the worst possible times and is so brash and blunt as to cause me to fall from the high of the silver cloud I walk on. Whether it be a friendship or a relationship, it always brings me back to reality.
I've never meant to be. I'm sure that somewhere out there exists souls who's intention is to be annoying for one reason or another. But that isn't me. In this very different case, I have expressed feelings that I am always wanting and willing to spend time with her and see her. Yes, I am well aware that such a thing isn't possible. She has things to do and so do I, but regardless it is how I feel and I thought it best to express it at least. I leave it up to her to say 'yay' or 'nay' to time spent together...
... And I suppose I do so with the hopes that such a set up will steer the two of us clear of the 'annoyance zone' that people tend to enter with me. I'm not sure what it is: something I do, say, perhaps the way I act, maybe I want to spend too much time together. I'm not sure. No one has ever said. They just say "You're being annoying." "I'm getting annoyed with you." "Spending time with you is getting to be an annoyance."
I think that is what hurts the most. Not the fact that they say or feel that way; they are human after all and they've every right to their opinions and feelings, vocalized or not. I think the lack of an explanation as to why or suggestions on how I can make it better are what hurt. Looking back, the lack of such things should have been a dead giveaway to me; the relationship was never worth the time to begin with. Ultimately, I became so 'annoying' every time to warrant them cheating on me.
Now, I certainly don't think Ivana would do this.
No, really. I don't at all. Call me crazy for throwing caution to the wind if you want, but I'll bet every penny I will ever make from this day forward that she would never do such a thing. I'll bet my life on it. That's no joke.... This girl is different in a million ways and I've already taken notice of it. Its why I feel so strongly for her, or at least part of the reason. Its part of why I am able to say that this is an entirely new experience.
She was preemptive in telling me that she didn't want to go into the annoyance stage, and that was fine and dandy and though I didn't tell her this, I really appreciated it.
But inevitably, it called to my mind the thoughts of past times when I was called annoying. No fault of Ivana's, these thoughts simply came because of the subject matter and that is something even I can't help. Whatever it is I did, I wish I could recognize. I keep going back over those instances, wondering what I should have done differently in the hopes that I will then be sure to avoid it this time around.
You don't understand, I want to put every bit of effort into this; Into Ivana and I. I want it to be different. I want to let this bloom and grow the way it should do such. I want to do absolutely nothing to ruin it or hurt her. I'm not perfect though, I never will be. That is impossible. But I want to try to avoid anything I can that will hinder us. That want is deep and powerful and it blends right in with my other thoughts and feelings for her, adding to the complicated way that I feel for her; making it harder to put my exact feelings into words. And maybe that is a good thing, because maybe if I never define it, then there won't be limitations. Maybe I'll just keep growing with her until the end? Who knows, I certainly don't. But the thought is there.
Hahaha....
In a small instance I let her know that the title of 'Doctor' (in the PhD sense) was attractive:
"Dr. Armstrong. Mmmmmmm."
I wasn't lying. Not one bit.
She surprised me, putting something together that I had honestly been thinking... but for some reason I didn't fit the puzzle together for a good ten minutes afterwards.
"Dr. Webster sounds better."
Hahahaha, being the idiot that I am I thought she meant me. Such idiocy. How could I have been so blind? She meant herself.
Taking my name, in marriage and I think when I realized it, when I put two and two together she was embarassed and assumed I was freaked out.
That was most certainly not the case.
Imagine a swell of butterflies feeding in a meadow, peaceful and quiet. Next, a herd of deer bounding through the meadow with great speed, just to feel the wind on the faces, the grass at the legs. The swell of butterflies rises up as one unit: a cloud of blues, purples, golds, and blacks. The swell surges forward and continues to rise into the morning sky. The sweet smell of rain is on the horizon and you can't help but wish for that moment to never fade.
When I figured out what she meant by "Dr. Webster sounds better," I felt just like the scene I described.
That's right, you aren't laughing at yourself now because you felt it too.
We felt it. We, the whole of me, my Conscience.
We felt that way.
I felt that way.
Just as I now feel as if I should do my best to keep from pushing Ivana into that 'annoyance' stage.
I certainly don't want this to take a turn down that road at all.
I'm not sure what to do other than to respect when she needs time to herself and keep aware of my asking to spend time together. I must make sure to operate on the same format so that I know she is okay with things if and when we do them. Maybe that's going overboard...
Maybe, once, I should just let things go and let them play out as they will?
I certainly don't want to lose her though.
Loss....
I told Ivana the story of Ruth a week ago. It inevitably made me think of her again.
That ridiculous, old woman.
Such a frail old lady.
Such a kind heart.
A fulfilled spirit if I'd ever seen one.
Ruth was something else entirely. I felt sorry for her; among all the ones that didn't belong in that dreadful place, among all the ones that were far worse off in their condition, I felt sorry and took pity on this tiny old woman more so than any other. For I knew she HAD to be in that place. There was no other choice. She had next to no one. Only one family member did I ever see cross her threshold. Just one. And not often at that. She was there, don't get me wrong, and she spent more than just a few moments with Ruth. Yet, that was all.... I enjoyed sitting there on her bed, talking to her: letting her tell me stories of her past life, listening to her rant about the day, tell a bad joke, or mention the weather. Her smile was sweet and even though she had been placed in the most dreadful place imaginable, she hadn't let it get to her. She was far from rot, aggressiveness, and her spirit was not mean.
I can't say much more really, without being redundant and getting emotional.
I walked into work one morning and she wasn't there. I just assumed she was in the dining room, yet when I went to look I was surprised to find that she most certainly was not present among the others. It made no sense, she usually wasn't up at 6 AM anyways. She should have still be in bed. It hadn't been her shower day, and most certainly not her time to take one. The RNs, unbeknownst to me, watched me carefully as I walked back and forth across the wing, checking each hall. I knew better than to check the other wings. She didn't like going to them. The Lead Wing RN even watched me, not saying a word, and Deana was a bitch. I got along with her unlike most people, I knew to stay on her good side, but even I had to admit that she wasn't one for sympathy; she'd been hardened by such things for years. My assigned hall RN for the day was, as usual, April.
It wasn't until I returned to that first room, right across from the Nurse's station that April approached me. It wasn't until I took another good, hard look in that room that I began to put the pieces together.
It wasn't until I saw what little belongings she had, packed away in a box, that I realized my search was futile.
April didn't even say a word, but I knew she stood very close behind me. I entered the room and sat down on the bed and didn't move for 2 hours. Looking back I'm surprised Deana let me do that. I'd have ripped her head off had she tried to get me to do otherwise, in all honesty. But she let me be.
Ruth was old... very old. Well past her prime and she had outlived many a soul. It was time. And I knew it couldn't be helped but I cried so hard that evening after work. I was used to coming home and going right to bed after a shower, but my water bill went up that month. I was in the shower for two hours at least, in the end I stood in cold water and bawled like a small child who's favorite toy had broken. I cried as if my own parent had passed away.
My tears were the screams of anguished slaves.
My tears were the gnashing of teeth.
My tears were the roars of a ferocious lion.
My tears tore my walls asunder and I broke.
I was done shortly after that. I would never step back in that nursing home. I couldn't.
It is haunting. Loss...
It's ridiculous.
I'm not even sure where I was going with this. I just know that I don't want to work in such an environment ever again.
I just know that I will kill myself before being placed in such a dreadful environment.
Better yet, I'll do what I can to stay healthy, mobile, and sturdy in old age so that I can support myself.
When science finds away to beat the aging process in terms of degradation, you can count on me being the first to volunteer for it.I'm not asking for immortality in that sense, I've already got that with Jesus. But I don't want to grow old. Everyone forgets you. You become nothing. I don't want to go before or after my spouse; I want to go with them.
I want to be young until my end.
That's all.
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