I ascended a mountain, with all the ferociousness of some tiger-bear hybrid. Let's be clear though, on the fact that such a description doesn't give my endeavor enough justice. This mountain was nigh unclimbable, for fuck's sake! Literally, my mind constructed this majestic beauty with all the whacked out geometry that one might attribute to a bombed out building. Only, this was a fucking mountain!
Chiseled, worn, aged, beaten by mother nature for eons!
But in my mind I'm a man among men, a dashing brute with an intellect to boot, and turning back would have cost me more booze than I cared to throw away.
So I mustered up whatever imaginary sense of courage and willpower I had, and with the speed of a coked-up sloth I tediously grabbed each outcropping of rock, hoisting myself onto ledges, into footholds, leaping bounds across some magical fissure that certainly would have held the secrets of immortality, sex, women, unicorns, and bats. But I had not the time to include spelunking in this Imagination Ejaculation! Though I hesitate to place the restrictions of time and space upon my glorious imagination, I must have climbed for near 24 hours, turned to 24 days, turned to 2 years. For by the time my manhood reached the top I had the deadliest eyes, the fiercest of chests, and the most amazing beard a man could ask for. What a feat! What an accomplishment!
Outstanding. . .
Terrific. . .
Incredible. . .
Lord, did I smell the most amazing things on the top of that peak! The rancid odor of my unwashed, sweaty mass was thrown to the wind and in rolled the divine smell of thunderstorms, snowstorms, snow lightning, ice-storms, and rain. I imagine this to be what God himself smells like whilst running a fucking marathon. That's right ladies, God is a runner and a damn good one at that! Because why not? This is my imagination, I'll make the rules and your opinions can take a backseat, you limey bastards!
So there I was, having ascended the tallest peak on whatever neo-planet the human race moves to once we finish fucking this one up. And I marveled at the wondrous site below me. I won't describe it for fear of causing your eyes to melt instantaneously, but I will say that its certainly easier to view if you take out your contact lenses. But wait. . . was I imagining things?. . . Of course I was! And high in the sky came hurtling the largest, most amazing, sinister, space rock any man dare lay his eyes upon. . .
Christ on cocaine, it was coming my way! Oh what a terrible way to have met my end! After doing the unthinkable, the impossible, it would be an ASTEROID that claimed my life. With such a feat as I had just accomplished, I alone deserved the right to chose how I would meet that rat-faced fucker known as DEATH. I was going to jump! I swear it I was prepared to jump, masturbating furiously as I plummeted to the jagged rocks below. But now I was frozen in my tracks. I could not move an inch, a muscle, not even a twitch. For this celestial rock had struck a fear in me more awesome than the wildest beast could ever claim to do. Thus I had already imagined my death by a horrible, fiery crushing. Or rather. . . the rock had planted the thought in my head!
For fuck's sake, this was a sentient rock, with psychic-inception powers to boot!
What a slimy bugger it was.
My own imagination would not build a construct with which I might save myself, and thus my imagination was no longer under my control. It was the property of this fucking rock now and I was at its mercy, but it was devoid of all such sentiments! So I had already accepted the manner in which I would die, when suddenly and in a manner akin to that of a defense mechanism, I felt the presence of my soul yet again and the imagination was all at once my own. In an instance I began to grow exponentially, until I had dwarfed the very mountain on which I had previously been standing. Like a moth to the flame the space-rock-monster rushed me and like the flame I struck! But what I really mean is I opened my mouth and swallowed that son of a bitch.
That's right! I swallowed a space rock.
It occurred to me that I had no idea what constituted that rock. What was it composed of?!
For fuck's sake I could have just swallowed a glorified instant cancer pill from space!
Lesions could grow on my face and burst with a mixture of puss and grime that would then burn the rest of my flesh like acid!
It could have been covered in fucking space leeches! The worst kind of hellish nightmare because the bastards are inside me! But they don't stop there, because now they are in my INNARDS! Goddamnit man, did you hear what I said? INSIDE MY INSIDES!
Well fortunately for me my imagination didn't conjure any of these things up except for in the thoughts of my thoughts. So for all intents and purposes I just ate a boring space rock, the most damage it might have done was give me heartburn, because it was flaming mad when it entered the planet's atmosphere.
So now having bested both an impassable mountain and the thing which sought to claim my life, I shrunk back to my normal size. Triumphant and screaming in victory, I had not at first noticed where I was, but it soon became all too clear and that was the moment that I had wished I had brought some pot with me on the perilous journey because it might have made me forget the horror of what was to happen next. . .
I was no longer on the peak. Instead I stood at the base of the mountain, no longer at the top of that impossible-geometric-aged-rock. And then it dawned on me, crashing down upon my chest the way I imagine it feels to let an alligator crush you with the swiftness of scissors and the power of a cider press. . . That limey bastard! That devious rat-fucker!
The space rock had only wanted me to think it would kill me and thus cause me to attempt to save myself by enlarging my carcass! Its goal had only been but to get me off the mountain, to take away my victory! With a vengeance it had come hurtling toward me with no intention of killing me! For that would have been too easy, too good for the likes of me! Humiliation was much better!
. . . and wouldn't you know it, I didn't get the chance to snap a picture as proof after I ascended the peak. . .
My beard burnt away, my chest deflated, and my pride wounded I said a hearty 'Fuck You!' to the pigfucker that was resting in my bowels and went on my unpleasant way.
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